Since my last post, things have changed a little. Since my last post, my best friend now had a tumblr, and another of my best friends is on blogspot. So hey, Amy, if you read this.
Slowly, my internet world is lacing itself more and more intricately with my real life. And I think I like it. It's starting to feel as though I can be more honest and open, and it almost feels as if a weight has been lifted.
This summer has taught me a lot. Mainly a lot of self confidence. Little by little, I am caring less about what others think of me. I almost entered Stephen's contest, and if he had picked me that would have been amazing. Actually, the only thing that stopped me was my crappy computer. That's a big step for me.
I feel like my life is just on the edge of taking off. I have met some new people recently that have given me hope that things can be interesting, and I am beginning to think my friends and I are almost on the same page. I have this feeling that next summer will be one to remember. Here's a list of the things I REALLY want to do, and we'll see how many of them come true:
1. Tanzania - almost a cert, if I can raise the money.
2. Edinburgh - again, almost definite, but I'm not sure if we will be able to go at the same time as Ollie.
3. GIRLS HOLIDAY - not sure how possible this is going to be. At all.
4. Mark Warner with Daddy :)
5. Reading Fest.
This year I am taking on a lot as well. I'm fundraising, participating in hopefully both the Christmas Carol and Kiss Me Kate, as well as working towards my GCSE's and doing my job. It's hard work, but we'll see how it goes. I like to be busy.
You know what Amy, if you are reading this, I think you are AMAZING. I actually so, and I don't tell you enough, so here is a heart <3
Wednesday 16 September 2009
Thursday 27 August 2009
Anonymity
I love the internet and all it has to offer. The YouTube community recently has fascinated me, and I have started to become very interested in what the vloggers are doing. I follow them on twitter, watch their videos and generally try to find out what is going on with them. The thing is, I can not bring myself to get involved. Every comment I leave on a video or a blog is so carefully considered, it doesn't reflect how I am really feeling. I would love to be able to just say crazy things, but I am worried for some strange reason, that people will single me out.
The strange thing is, IRL I love being singled out, I love the limelight. But here, on the internet, it is a fear that I will not be funny enough or witty enough to impress these people and that they will just regard what I have to say as irrelevant or even stupid. I realise that the reason I enjoy watching these people is because they seem like genuine, interesting people, but I still harbour that irrational fear.
I want to vlog and to become a part of the community, but that would mean losing my anonymity which has become a security blanket. I even worry about friends I have outside of the internet finding my videos, because I know that they do not feel the same way about YouTube as I do. I think there will come a time when I will think to hell with it all, and get involved, but at the moment I'm just too goddamn insecure.
The strange thing is, IRL I love being singled out, I love the limelight. But here, on the internet, it is a fear that I will not be funny enough or witty enough to impress these people and that they will just regard what I have to say as irrelevant or even stupid. I realise that the reason I enjoy watching these people is because they seem like genuine, interesting people, but I still harbour that irrational fear.
I want to vlog and to become a part of the community, but that would mean losing my anonymity which has become a security blanket. I even worry about friends I have outside of the internet finding my videos, because I know that they do not feel the same way about YouTube as I do. I think there will come a time when I will think to hell with it all, and get involved, but at the moment I'm just too goddamn insecure.
Sunday 19 April 2009
Just Being
So I always try to do unusual things, things I haven't done, go to places I've never been.
The other day I rang up my friend and I said 'Em, tomorrow we are going to Brighton.'
And she said. 'No. We are not. I really can't be bothered.'
Nobody else would go with me either, but I think that's because it was raining on the day before, and they assumed it would again be raining. England is lovely.
But anyway. The weather turned out to be really nice, and as a result I rang up the same friend and asked her if she could be bothered to come out for a picnic with me and my other friend Amy. She decided she could probably get out of bed. Thing is when she got here, we went to make sandwiches. Bread, butter and cheese. Thats all we needed. We just had butter. No bread and no cheese. So we had to go into town, buy some bread and cheese and walk home again. We did have a picnic in the park, and it was lovely. The most fun I've had in a long time because I hadn't seen either of my girls in a while.
It just got me thinking. We always try to find really exciting things to do, and that's great, but we can have so much fun with just us and some nice weather. Or some shit weather really. Snow day a couple of months ago was a hell of a lot of fun. Katie, Amy and I got up early and got the sledge out like little kids, and went knocking on people's doors at ridiculous times in the morning. We gathered a group and spent the day surfing on our sledges and making hot chocolate in my kitchen.
It's just the little things in life. Lying under my desk talking on the phone, Singing really loudly in the car, doing homework with my friends. They just make me so happy I'd really rather be there with them than on a ride at Thorpe Park or playing games on Brighton Pier.
The other day I rang up my friend and I said 'Em, tomorrow we are going to Brighton.'
And she said. 'No. We are not. I really can't be bothered.'
Nobody else would go with me either, but I think that's because it was raining on the day before, and they assumed it would again be raining. England is lovely.
But anyway. The weather turned out to be really nice, and as a result I rang up the same friend and asked her if she could be bothered to come out for a picnic with me and my other friend Amy. She decided she could probably get out of bed. Thing is when she got here, we went to make sandwiches. Bread, butter and cheese. Thats all we needed. We just had butter. No bread and no cheese. So we had to go into town, buy some bread and cheese and walk home again. We did have a picnic in the park, and it was lovely. The most fun I've had in a long time because I hadn't seen either of my girls in a while.
It just got me thinking. We always try to find really exciting things to do, and that's great, but we can have so much fun with just us and some nice weather. Or some shit weather really. Snow day a couple of months ago was a hell of a lot of fun. Katie, Amy and I got up early and got the sledge out like little kids, and went knocking on people's doors at ridiculous times in the morning. We gathered a group and spent the day surfing on our sledges and making hot chocolate in my kitchen.
It's just the little things in life. Lying under my desk talking on the phone, Singing really loudly in the car, doing homework with my friends. They just make me so happy I'd really rather be there with them than on a ride at Thorpe Park or playing games on Brighton Pier.
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